Apostle of Pandora

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Apostle of Pandora Empty Apostle of Pandora

Post by Rust on Fri May 22, 2009 4:59 pm

Chapter 1

"Miz, please let me go, pleeeeeease? It'll be just like old times, yeah? You can help me escape and then we can skip town and-"

"No is no, Keiser. Get it in your head. I'm still sour about the last job you lost me. I was a Captain, you know. A Captain; do you understand how hard it is for a woman to make it that high in society!?"

Zak Keiser, a delinquent with a habit of causing all sorts of trouble, had found himself in quite a bind. The young man (age 23, to be precise), sat in a solid four foot by four foot wooden cell. The only bars were the window to the outside world and a small foot by foot window in the door. The man in question was laying on the ground, feet up against the door with a bored look on his angular face. Zak Keiser was not a very intimidating figure; he wasn't muscular, and he wasn't too tall either, stacking up at about 5 foot six. He was roughly 130 lbs, skinny, lanky, brown haired brown eyed man. Nothing to write home about, for sure.

On the other side of the door was a woman. Mizzorie {Miz-or-ee) Dova, a childhood friend of Zak Keiser, ex-captain of the Sidian Military1, forced down to prison guard in the remote desert town of Bow2. She was a year older than her "friend" and plenty more mature. A natural blond with gray eyes; one wouldn't call her beautiful, but cute seemed like a word everyone could agree to use. Standing at five foot three, a slim figure with a more roundish face than Zak. She always held a stern look on her face, something that changed drastically from her childhood.

"But Miz, it wasn't my fault we were caught!" Zak whined lowly, knocking on the door with his foot. He could imagine her now, sitting in an uncomfortable wooden chair, hunched over the desk while reading yet another romance novel. How she could read those things was beyond his understanding.

"You were the one who wanted to continue stealing. It's completely your fault. And I was stupid to let you go, I am not making that mistake again. Once the new captain," she said with disgust, "comes, you'll be taken back to the capital."

"Which capital? Lucard or Rowl?3"

"Lucard. C'mon, you're smarter than that. I know you're not stupid."

"Well Miz, I was caught, wasn't I?"

"Thank god we got lucky."

"You're not giving yourself enough credit."

"Zak, I'm trying to complement you, please shut the hell up."

"Alright, alright, sorry sorry." Zak fell silent, staring at the bars to the outside. A woodpecker landed on ledge, inspecting the wood cell with random pecks here and there. Zak watched it until it got bored and flew away, but it was a peaceful experience for him “Hey, Miz, do you thin-“

“Three-Two-One-Pull!” Two large fists grabbed the bars and pulled backwards. With a sharp crack the bars were dislodged from their position and tossed to the side. “Alright Ezra, now the wall!” The fists came back, taking a good, solid grip on the wall. Zak could see his fingers tighten as he pulled, determined to strain the now groaning wood to it’s breaking point.

“What the hell is going on in there!?” Mizzorie shouted from the other side of the wall. Zak heard her put down a footstool and he saw her face peek through the bars. “You will cease immediately!”

“Now, now, lady; we only want Mr. Keiser here. It’s not too much trouble!” It was a young girl, much younger than Miz was. The giggling that came after was apparent of that.

“Damnit!” Miz’s face disappeared from the small barred window of the door while Zak stood up. “Lieutenant Valen! There’s a jailbreak in progress!” It was this time, as she ran, that she truly lamented being under someone.

“So, not that I don’t mind being sprung, but what’s this all about?” Looking through the now barless window, his eyes popped open with surprise. Outside was one of the biggest men he had ever seen! Keiser didn’t have enough time to marvel at his soon to be savior as the wall finally split in two, leaving a giant triangular shaped scar where the wood had splintered, broken.

“Come now, little man.” The big man said as he grabbed Zak by the collar, lifting him through the hole.

“Hey now! Careful with the merchandise! This shirt is 100% Timber4 silk!” Although normally he would be struggling, at this point he was holding as still as possible and hoped that his shirt wouldn’t rip on him.

“Shirt will be fine, no worries!” The big man said before setting Zak down, glancing at the part where he lifted him. “Shirt fine, Ezra told you so.”

“Ok, we have just about ten seconds before the guards show up on this side of the wall. You should start running, Keiser, I’m sure we won’t be able to get you out next time!” There was that little girl’s voice again, but where was she? All of a sudden a little blond haired head popped up from Ezra’s back, grinning. “Five seconds now! Let’s go, ok?”

“Yeah sure, let’s get the hell out of here.” The girl tapped Ezra on the shoulder and whispered something in his ear. The giant man nodded and started running back into the city. Zak was a little slow to follow, still wondering about why such a big man (though he did seem kind of dim-witted with his speech) was listening to a little girl. And what was this about ten and five seconds left?

“Prisoner Zak Keiser, stop where you stand!”

“Ah shit.” And with that, he finally started running.

Ezra and the girl led him through the town of Bow. They dodged through markets, ran through homes, jumped over fences; the obstacle course went on and on, Ezra going through with ease though Zak was starting to wear down. Once Ezra ran into a dilapidated old shack at the end of town; there was no more running, no more jumping through hoops. The guards hadn’t been able to keep up, probably because of all their armor and weaponry weighing them down. Keiser, however, collapsed onto the ground, panting heavily from the exertion.

“Little man not look so good.”

“That’s what he gets for having to follow a behemoth like you.” The girl giggled again as Keiser finally got a good look at the two of them. Ezra was a tall man, taller than any he had ever seen. 7 feet tall seemed like a good guess to Zak; and his muscles, hot damn this was a big guy. His face seemed a little squished inwards, but it was hid mostly by black bangs that hid most of his face. The girl, who seemed to be riding on his back through a slightly-larger-than-usual baby carriage, was the complete opposite. Long blond hair flowed from her head, accenting baby blue eyes. She appeared to be nearly eight years old, or somewhere around there, based on how small she was. “Can I be put down now, Ezra?”

“Yes.” Was his simple answer as he removed the carriage straps from his back. Very gently, very carefully he took her off, setting her on one of the broken chairs. Though Keiser expected her to slip out of the small carriage sack completely, she only pulled it down to her waist so she could sit comfortably.

“So Mr. Keiser guy, my name is Melody and I bet you’re wondering why we decided to save you in such a random attempt to free you! Am I right? Yes, no, yes, yes?” The girl was grinning from ear to ear, slightly bouncing in her seat as Keiser finally rose from the floor. He had gotten a lot of his breath back, though he was still panting slightly. There was a less broken chair in the corner, since Ezra was content sitting on the floor, he figured that would be the best place for him at the moment.

“The thought might have crossed my mind.”

“Might of? Silly goose, it did! You’ve never met us before, so it’s only natural.”

“Ok, so why did you save me if we’ve never met before?”

The little girl went into a giggle fit, nearly falling off of her chair before regaining her composure. Giving a little cough into her small fist as if clearing her throat, she became serious. “W saved you because our Goddess commanded it.”

Special thanks to Zhan Dathka for helping me with details. <3

1) Sidian is the land in the middle of the continent, Tinen. It is the largest out of five regions and worships the twin God and Goddess of Earth, Terran and Gaia. They are most well known for their military even though there are no countries that oppose them. Some fear an uprising through this development, though none have been able to do anything about it.
2) Bow is a small town on the southeastern border of Sidian. It is nothing of note besides the fact that it is literally inside the Great Desert that makes up the entire southeastern region of Tinen (it has not been claimed by a country, but only because nothing can survive there for long periods of time).
3) Lucard and Rowl are the two capitals of Sidian. Lucard represents the God, Terran, while Rowl represents the Goddess, Gaia. They are not far apart from each other, often people travel from one capital to another several times in one day.
4) Timber is a city in Annu (a heavily forested country to the west of Sidian known for worshiping the Goddess of Life, Flair) that is known for their clothing. Often is the time that new fashions come from the city of Timber, mostly out of the Timber Silk Company.

Last edited by Rust on Mon May 25, 2009 5:08 am; edited 2 times in total

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Apostle of Pandora Empty Re: Apostle of Pandora

Post by Zhan Dathka on Sat May 23, 2009 3:17 am

MUCH better this time around ^_^

There are a few parts that you might want to look at though XD

"leaving a giant triangular shaped scar where the wood had splintered and broke."

"hot dam this was a big guy"

And maybe, since this is more of a story, you should use less of the actual numbers and abbreviations and instead use words? XD

Just a few suggestions. Other than that, excellent What a Face

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Apostle of Pandora Empty Re: Apostle of Pandora

Post by Amano Murokumone on Sat May 23, 2009 3:02 pm

So far, what you have, is very interesting indeed. Sure, it's not OMGGG, but it's appealing non-the-less. There's a great sense of character here as well, and a great sense of unique story-telling.

Only thing you might wanna add is a sentence or two description while they're running away from the guards. Maybe a fleeting observation made by Zak about something they pass by, or something. This will help leak an image of the city into the minds of the reader. Anyway~

As I'm sure you're aware, you're at a very important part right now. You could really bring this story 'round full-circle, or do something predictable. Hopefully, the former. Again, I'm sure you have it all planned out, but I'd PREDICT that the goddess is a goddess....cause that's what a goddess is...is a goddess. Anyway, I'd be taken off guard if it turned out this 'goddess' wa~ *erm*

I love the opening. Please capitalize on it KTHXBAI.
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Apostle of Pandora Empty Re: Apostle of Pandora

Post by Tiger of Wu on Sat May 30, 2009 1:02 pm

'manny pretty much sums it up. Great opening that jumps straight into the middle of things whilst introducing us to the story and characters nicely. It can be manipulated and deformed however you wish from here, so do us proud Mr. 'ust.
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